Jonathan Vs. The Persistent Puppy Plea, or, The Puppy Conundrum, Part II: Puppies Strike Back

presented by j:

some days, my wonderful wife picks me up from work and i can tell she is down (see: “blue“) about something, and i start trying to figure out why:

a) something bad happened at work
b) one of her friends/family members is in trouble
c) she finally realized “Glee” (see: “terrible show”) is terrible

when we arrive home, i will muster my most sympathetic of tones:

me:  baby, are you alright?
her:  (oozing sadness)  no…
me:  i can tell…what’s wrong?
her:  (loooooonnnnnggggg siiiiiiiggggghhhhhh)  i just wanna pup…

her puppy fever has gotten worse.  worse.  worse.  here are some recent events that will help put it into perspective:

recent event 1:  on the way to church (see: “church“)

her:  …and i just think that it’s important to-(enter puppy outside window)-OHBABYLOOKATTHEWHITEPUPPYWITHTHEEARS!!!  OHBABY, HELP ME, HELP!!!*

* “Help” being said with two syllables as “hay-elp.” (see: “country“)

recent event 2:  the stalker dog

we arrive home and get out of the car.  a small, half-chihuahua-looking dog (see: “ugly dog that christa does not even like”) starts following behind us.  i see the creature but choose to ignore it.  christa spots it as we walk up to the door and gets a big smile and two big eyes.  she flings the door open, trying to coerce the dog to come inside, which somehow, (to her) means we have to keep it.

me:  NO.
her:  but, baby…it needs a home!  look, he’s shaking!!!
me:  NO.

recent event 3:  the not-a-dog-at-all

a squirrel (see: “this,” not one of these at all) walks up onto the back porch and looks in at us through the window.

her:  ooh, baby, look – he needs a home!  he wants to come inside with us!
me:  (with disturbed look of incredulity)  that. is. not. even. a. dog.  NO.

you know how single people see the world in pairs?  (don’t see: “pears“)  well, my wife sees the world in puppies right now.  i’ve learned that i just have to accept that fact.

don’t get me wrong – i’m as excited as the next guy to one day be the master of a cute, cuddly canine.  but that day is not today.  nor tomorrow.  and probably not the day after it, much to my wife’s chagrin.

in the words of forrest gump (see: “great movie”), “that’s all i have to say about that.”

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