presented by j:
it’s been well over a month since our last post. part of that, i think, is because we haven’t really had anything we could post about – not, at least, concerning our adoption. part of it, too, i think is because that period of waiting is made so much worse the more you think about it and writing forces you to think about it.
at the same time, it’s good to process through it all so as not to get bogged down. Christa has already shared her thoughts on waiting, so here are mine.
i’ve always thought that i was patient because i don’t get easily startled by a crisis and i tend to do a good job at remaining calm when others are stressed out. in other words, i feel like (in general) i’m patient with people.
i’m not so sure that i’m very patient when it comes to waiting on God. and i’m certainly not patient compared to Him. back in Kids Village, i always taught that “patience means waiting when it’s really hard.” apparently, this is a lesson that i need to learn instead of teach.
my mentor has said repeatedly during this time that the worst four letter word in the Bible is “wait.”
one of the worst things about waiting is feeling out of control. i love control. it makes my engine run. i like being able to make my own decisions and do things my way. i’m sure i’m the only person out there like that.
and so waiting for me has meant keeping myself busy with this project, then this project, then this project to the point that i’ve maybe spent more money at Lowe’s than what i meant to. whoops. but at least we have more doorknobs.
it’s easy to pass this off as “well, i’m just keeping myself busy so that i don’t become impatient,” but if i’m honest enough – which i’m trying to be here – the real reason i stay so busy is so that i can say, “see, God? see how much i’m doing? i’m ready! i’ve done my part, so why won’t you hurry up and do yours?”
and again i find myself in the trap of believing that my works actually matter to Him when the Scriptures promise again and again that they don’t – that the only work that matters is the one that He is doing in me. and by working and working and working, i’m not letting Him in to do that work.
not that working is bad or that accomplishing to-dos is bad. it’s not. i’m happy to be done with our dining room table. i’m happy to change out our ugly knobs with better looking ones. i’m happy to be done with painting the baby’s room (pictures to come soon, i hope). but it’s my mindset that i have to question: am i doing this to pass time and be a good husband/future daddy? or am i doing it because i think it will force God’s hand to act? and too often, the answer is the second.
i have to remind myself constantly of the others who waited in Scripture, those who waited a lot longer than i have. and i have to remind myself that few of them got to see the completion of what they were promised.
and i have to remember that God has not promised me a child. He has promised me Himself. and that is better. that is so much better, but my sinful heart gets distracted by what i think is better, what i want.
i want to be a daddy, plain and simple. i will do anything i can to bring this baby home. the evidence of which will be seen on February 23rd at the Cow Town marathon when i look like a fool and fulfill my obligations from our fundraiser, Adopt My Run.
but there are things that i can’t do to bring this baby home. there are things that only God can do. and so i’m still waiting. and i’m having to remember every day that His time is perfect, not mine.
in this season of waiting, even after the New Year, my thoughts have strayed back to Advent and thinking about the waiting of the faithful for the Savior. i think about the prophets waiting with just a small taste of what God would do, the Jewish exiles waiting to see their kingdom restored, David singing as he waits to see from where his help would come.
and so i want to stop waiting for the kingdom of Jonathan and start waiting for the kingdom of God to come on earth as it is heaven. His will is bigger, wiser, and better than mine – and He will be glorified no matter what happens.