presented by cj:
tomorrow is mother’s day for me. i have actually had a blog written about mother’s day since the “official” mother’s day in may. it’s changed many, many times because there was much for me to process, and in the end i just never felt like publishing it. but tomorrow, i officially become Kai’s mom. we get to stand before the judge, and our little boy who technically still has his birth name right now, will become Kai Samuel Jordan. i will be declared Kai’s mother by the judge. we are overjoyed and excited as this day has been long awaited, and what has been true in our hearts for months, even before we brought Kai home, is going to be legally and irreversibly declared.
it’s an odd tension, because i grieve her loss for her. it pains me to know that she is missing out on such a precious, joyful little boy. that she doesn’t get to see him grow, kiss his cheeks, watch how determined he is, and melt every time he smiles. but at the same time, i’m incredibly grateful because i get to be Kai’s mommy. i get to experience all those things and more. and i love being a mom to Kai. i wouldn’t trade it for the world. it’s a weird tension because i felt really guilty the week of the “official” mother’s day in may. i told jonathan not to get me a mother’s day present (and i meant it) because i just felt like i shouldn’t be honored. i know i’m Kai’s mommy, but i just felt like his birth mom should get the honor and not me.
i have no doubt there will be conversations about her in the future. hard ones. i continue to pray for her, by name now, and i wonder about her often – how she’s doing, if she thinks about Kai. like my own son, i have many hopes and dreams for her too. and i have no doubt she loved Kai. it’s why she protected his life inside her.
i don’t fear future conversations with our son about her. i don’t fear that Kai is going to run away and try to find her. i don’t fear that Kai is going to reject me as his mom at all. i sing to Kai multiple times on a daily basis “I belong with you, you belong with me.” i, for whatever reason, was chosen to be his mom. many people ask me why i would choose adoption first if i’m capable of having biological children. the best answer i can give you: i just feel called to be a mom to those whose first moms, for whatever reason, can’t take care of them. as messy and hard as it can get, i would do it 1,000 times over. love at first sight is real, because i took one look at Kai and just knew he was mine. i imagine that’s what many moms who give birth experience, love at first sight. Kai and I just experienced it in a different way.
so tomorrow is my mother’s day. like mother’s day for many, there is a story of loss and grief attached to it. but there is also inexplicable joy. i can’t believe i get to be his mom. it’s going to be such a great day.