Sweet boy of mine,
Today you turned four. You’ve been with us for 3.5 years now, and I will always, always miss that 1/2. But oh, the things the Lord has done, that He has reminded me even in the past week of how much He was truly working to bring our family together. Prayers of mine that I prayed for a good two years before you were even conceived, answered.
Last night as I watched you fall asleep after an emotionally taxing day for us both, I whispered words of life over you. You are loved. You are so, so very loved. You are a blessing. You are cherished. You make us laugh. You are a delight. You are strong. You are brave. You are heard. You have a voice. You are talented. You are smart. You are a miracle. You are an answer to prayer. You are safe. You are precious. You are kind and tender-hearted. You are determined. You are fiercely protective. You are ours. You are His.
I realized last night, I struggle with being enough for you. I wonder if I’m saying the right things and doing the right things and handling things the right way. I wonder if I’m giving you enough of your culture, if I’m making the right decisions about your education, always feeling like I could be doing more.
But then I realized, you’re probably not worried at all about things. You just need me to be there. Striving to be better and learn more and do more isn’t bad, but if I get caught up in all of that then I miss you. I would miss you lining up your cars on the windowsill to get coffee and playing coffee shop, because you know your mom and she shamelessly loves coffee at all times of day. I would miss you climbing up the rope at gymnastics all by yourself, landing perfectly and looking right back at me with the proudest smile on your face, waiting for me to give you a thumbs up from the window. I would miss countless games of I Spy in the car, our Mary Poppins and Burt duets that make my heart so happy. I would miss endless light saber battles, dinosaur fights, fearless jumps from the couches and tables, your fierce independence, and just you being you.
We tell you all the time to just be Kai Kai. Be who God made you to be. God made you to be Kai and no one else. Because it’s true. Despite my tears, you are going to grow up and you will constantly be bombarded to be more, to do more, to conform to the ever-changing culture and world around you. It is exhausting. You will change and grow as a person and that is not a bad thing, so long as you remain who God created and called you to be. Anchor yourself in the truth of who He is and how He wired you-that’s a huge hope and prayer that I have for your life. And I have to remind myself of the same thing so that I don’t struggle with enough.
Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for reminding me that yes all that other stuff matters, but the biggest enough I give you as your mom is simply enjoying you and letting that shine through.